eskimobex

People don't like me saying this.

Tue, 13 May 2008 19:03:57 GMT

I'm trying to decide how i feel right now. I'm defo not happy, that's for sure. It scares me when i'm not happy. Reminds me of the bad times and the bad things that used to happen. People are being complete cunts recently. Why can't people just be civil to each other, what are they really acheiving by slagging each other off to people that don't care?! I wish people would stop bitching about my friends to me. I don't want to hear it, it's pathetic. Argh!
I hate people that tell me i can't sit on the fence too. Why not? You expect me to go round and dislike people just so i have someone to argue with just to be like you? It's not going to happen. If you don't like the fact that i can get along with my life without having to shoot someone down then i think you should review this issue and realise how stupid and pathetic you're being because i'm through with it now.

We could fall apart & i'd be your memory.

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 22:39:25 GMT

Just watching City of Angels today and my mind went off into it's own little world. Then i got scared. My memories are fading. Details are blurry, faces not how i thought i remembered them. I don't want to forget anything. I don't even want to forget the bad times. I just want it all to stay in my mind, just as it happened. It's making me really sad. I don't want to forget.

Only this moment holds us together.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 07:48:43 GMT

I don't really have much to write in here today but i felt the need to write something because i haven't written for a while.
All is a tad stressful @tm. Exams aren't far off and i feel far from prepared. Gah!
It's getting sunnier recently, slowly but surely. I'll be happy soon! :D
It's a mixed bag of emotions recently, i've been sad, smiley, excitable, disappointed, angry, content, satisfied, uncomfortable. I guess that's what life is about though. Unsure of everything. Life wouldn't be exciting if i was 100% about everything!
I've been feeling quite nostalgic recently too :) that's good.

Back in Hull today.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 11:03:38 GMT

Thank fuck for that!

Just when you think you know who your friends are, they turn out to be complete twats. Just shows you can't always trust who you want to. Some friends clearly don't see the value of true friends.

BlackWave

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:19:26 GMT

Stop now before it's too late
Been eating in the ghetto on a hundred dollar plate
Nothing lasts forever, that's the way it’s got to be
There's a great black wave in the middle of the sea

For me
For you
For me
It's always for you

I've lost faith in just about everything now. I hate that he can make me feel like this. Apparently his life is on the up, on his way up there though he's determined to knock me right back down to the bottom. That's kinda sad really.
I thought i'd reached the bottom You've got to reach the bottom before you can come back up apparently the world doesn't think i've gone far enough down. If i get any further to the bottom i'll be coming out in fucking China.
Those words that kill me every single time he says them have come up again "I don't know what i ever saw in you" - you clearly fucking saw something because 9 months is a long time to be with someone you don't like.
I don't want to be me anymore. I was so happy and then all this shit happened and now i feel so bad. I don't want to be me because in my eyes he helped make me who i am today & so much of my life, my personality can be linked back to him in some way, that makes it hard for me to forget about him.
FuckFuckFuck i can't wait to get back to Hull, i need to just cut and paste my life around so i can be happy again. I just want this bit of my life - the Horwich life - to just go away and never come back.

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 19:16:56 GMT

Dream catch me when I fall
Or else I won't come back at all.

Guess it's too late for me though.

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 13:54:42 GMT

Love, love, love, love, love, love.

You were everything I wanted.
You were everything a guy could be.
Then you left me brokenhearted,
Now you don't mean a thing to me.
All I wanted was your
Love, love, love, love, love, love.

Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you.
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you.
Brought you around,
and you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you

I really don't like you...

Thought that everything was perfect,
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it,
Now I think a little differently.
All i wanted was your
Love, love, love, love, love, love.

Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you.
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you.
Brought you around,
and you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you

Now that it's over,
you can't hurt me.
Now that it's over,
you can't bring me down.

(Oh, oh...)

All i wanted was your
Love, love, love, love, love, love.

Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you.
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you.
Brought you around,
and you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you

I really don't like you

I can't say i hate him 'cause i don't, but he is a 2 faced, arrogant, self righteous prick and if i never saw him again it would be too soon. I hate that i used to love that personality, used to think it was addictive. I only wish that i could hate him, would make things easier.

Bad Feelings.

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 09:01:19 GMT

So in the last entry i was desperate to get home. Now i'm home and i'm desperate to get back to Hull. I thought this holiday could be good but it's just not. Things here remind me of people i'd rather not be reminded of. Friends are being too demanding and i just can't deal with it. I'm fed up. Bring on the 28th March when i can go back!
On a better note i took a trip down memory lane to the good old days of that summer, the one where everything came together nicely for me. Filled with happiness and Graemes parties haha. Goodtimes! I was discussing with a friend, who also remembers that summer, how old we feel. We haven't seen each other for about 3 years? yet it only seems like yesterday we were watching scrubs together - It's maddness i tell thee! I guess they say time flies when you're having fun! & i suppose i am having fun :)
x

What a beautiful day to get lost in the dark.

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 11:08:09 GMT

I hate the world.
All of it.
I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Yes.
Okay - that could be a little dramatic, but everything has gone tits up and i just don't know what to do anymore.
...its just that
im sick this
sick of here
sick of everyone
and everything around...
I just want to be at home. In my own bed, with my mummy to cook me nice food & the last few weeks to just erase themselves and be good. Well...they were good...just the outcome to be better.
It's been a while since i've sat with my head in my hands. Confused. Struggling to make sense of it. I'm sat with my head in my hands now though and it doesn't feel to good.
Blah. I'm just going to have a shower and put some music on loud and pack my things away. Maybe that will make it better.
I might write more later.

Parallelogram.

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 16:11:59 GMT

Sometimes it feels like i am living 2 lives running parallel to each other, occasionally they intertwine to fuck things over a little for me, i don't know if i like it or not.
I'm doing nothing wrong yet it feels bad. No commitments or ties. No signs of commitments or ties coming up. Yet i feel like i should be making some. They do say it takes 2 to tango though (oooh a bit of alliteration there).
I don't want these 2 bits of life to intertwine - but i can guarantee they will and people will lose respect. Not that i strive for respect from other people - it's just nice to have it sometimes.
I feel so good since that Sunday morning, like a changed person. Less niave, more adult. That's good i think.
Ho certo lavoro italiano da fare comunque e non desidero farlo.
Currently i kinda also feel a tad...i don't know the word...not entirely left out...but not exactly included either. I feel like i am missing a vital part of the jigsaw that everyone else has and it worries me a little. Hmph.

In a world full of people you can loose sight of it all.

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 13:48:55 GMT

So many times I was alone I couldn't sleep
You left me drowning in the tears of memory
And ever since you've gone, I found it hard to breathe
Cause there was so much that your heart just couldn't see
A thousand wasted dreams rolling off my eyes
But time's been healing me and I say goodbye

Cause I can breathe again, dream again
I'll be on the road again
Like it used to be the other day
Now I feel free again, so innocent
Cause someone makes me whole again for sure
I'll find another you

Could you imagine someone else is by my side
I've been afraid he couldn't keep myself from falling
My heart was always searching for a place to hide
Could not await the dawn to bring another day
Your not the only one so hear me when I say
The thoughts of you they just fade away

Cause I can breathe again, dream again
I'll be on the road again
Like it used to be the other day
Now I feel free again, so innocent
Cause someone makes me whole again for sure
I'll find another you

Sometimes I see you when I close my eyes
You're still apart of my life

But I can breathe again, dream again
I'll be on the road again
Like it used to be the other day
Now I feel free again, so innocent
Cause someone makes me whole again for sure
I'll find another you
I'll find another you

My vice.

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 12:20:38 GMT

lust (lŭst)
n.
Intense or unrestrained sexual craving.
An overwhelming desire or craving: a lust for power.
Intense eagerness or enthusiasm: a lust for life.
Obsolete. Pleasure; relish.
intr.v., lust·ed, lust·ing, lusts.
To have an intense or obsessive desire, especially one that is sexual.

[Middle English, from Old English, desire.]

Metamorphosis.

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 21:38:02 GMT

With time and age I had to change
'Cause my behaviour was getting strange
People on the street caught my eye
And I begin to think I might be their kind of guy
The long-term suppression of an adolescent urge
Was in retreat, and I was on the virge
Of falling in love or having fun
Time was running out, something had to be done.

Where was I? Laying down the law
Dancing with the others out on the floor
Music and smoke, what did it mean?
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream
I had what I wanted, madly in love
And nothing else mattered, this was enough
Questions were answered which used to perplex
In particular those about the big s.e.x.

Dreaming is easy, life is tough, I got the picture
The most important thing is not to end up bitter
'Cause when you start to feel increasingly forlorner
- Woomph! - love comes right around the corner
It may not last, but here am I
Once a caterpillar, now a butterfly
It can seem strange, but when you reminisce
It's all about change, it's a metamorphosis.

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 13:46:53 GMT

So i'm going to sound like a bitter singleton just like most other years, but i don't care. It's coming up to Valentines day and i would just like to say WHAT A LOAD OF COMMERCIAL BULLSHIT!
Talking to a girl in one of my classes and she spent £4.50 on a CARD for her boyfriend. After working in a card & gift shop for 4 years i know for a fact that that is extortionate pricing. Hallmark, Carte Blanche and other similar card companies are making a bomb out of soppy couples who believe that this is the day of the year that they should declare their adoration for each other. Why spend a months wages on someone on one particular day because the shops have commercialised it? Okay, there are probably some historic/religious/cultural reasons for this particular day but why do we have to spend so much? Surely sentimental and thoughtful presents should mean more than a huge teddy & a box of expensive Thorntons chocolates? Whatever happened to "It's the thought that counts" ?

Hypocritical as it is, sure, it's nice to receive a card or 2 from admirers. I'll admit that if i open my door and find the cleaner dragging a sack of Valentines Cards towards my door, i wont be gutted, but i will definately not be sending any.

I bet...

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 10:38:40 GMT

bet (bĕt)
n.
An agreement usually between two parties that the one who has made an incorrect prediction about an uncertain outcome will forfeit something stipulated to the other;

"Though many participate in [betting] as a form of recreation or even as a means to gain an income, gambling, like any behavior which involves variation in brain chemistry, can become a psychologically addictive and harmful behavior in some people. Reinforcement schedules may also make gamblers persist in gambling even after repeated losses."

Betting, some would say it's bad, some good, it's certainly a matter of opinion, and in general my opinion is that it's good, in terms of sport. What isn't good is when immature and twatish people turn it into a form of entertainment and a tool for degrading others.
You're probably wondering what i'm rambling about? Well my point is that it hurts when you hear that bets are being made against you, recent events have proved this. "£10 bets that u wont go get off with the ugliest out of that group of girls" "I'll give you a fiver if you see how far you can get with that girl" I admit, it's only a small number of people that are stupid enough to think that anyone in a million years will ever want to go near someone like that, but at the moment this small number of people is either rapidly increasing, or just being drawn into my general vecinity.
It's pathetic. If you're a reading this and you're prone to a bit of betting, think twice and stick your money on a horse because otherwise you're ultimately just going to end up wrinkled and alone.
x
Ps. The view from the 6th floor of the Brynmoor Jones Library @ uni is fecking amazing.

It ends tonight.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 19:50:00 GMT

The title may make it sound like this is going to be another of my moany whiney LJs but in fact i only really have good things to say, i am just singing along to that song right now. Life is still all peachy and i am totally happy with where i am right now, mentally and physically. Yessss!
Here's to the good nights out, sneaking vodka in water bottles into Asylum, kissing lots of boys, having fun, fooling around, singing loudly in public, dancing my (or Helens, or Amys) shoes off quite literally and the amazing friends that i have only known for a short while but still love O so incredibly much!
x
Ouch! :( poor mindy.

:)

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 18:41:53 GMT

Everythings peachy.
x

Breath.

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 03:11:06 GMT

I cant even breathe.
All is good accomodation-wise mais dans le departement de garçon;s il y a beacoup de problkems,

I HATE EVERYTHING

Houseness.

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 07:25:25 GMT

We have our house for next year all sorted, just need to sign the contract this morning! Yay!
In other news: I am soooo ill :(
x

Clearout.

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 15:16:49 GMT

My head hurts and i feel sick but i've carried on clearing stuff out. Well...i've not totally cleared stuff out, but i've moved them and collected them, and now i feel marginally better. It's all part of the plan. With any luck i will forget about them and then forget about him and it will all be good again :)
I can't deal with the sleepless nights and the worrying and the nagging in the back of my head. I need to let it all go and be free and flakey, like the old Becka :)

"I've heard all of the stories
And in them I've put my trust
You gotta touch the botton before you can come back up
And I know what your heart is telling you
'Cuz my hearts telling me the same thing too"

I think i've touched the bottom and i'm ready to come back up now :)
x

Ps.
Re: Dateness.
The boy spent all night looking at my boobs. He wasn't hott enough or interesting enough to even justify doing that.
Pig.
x

:)

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:10:21 GMT

Dateness tonight. Yay!
I'm kinda worried though...i have noooo idea what he looks like :(
Drunkness + Tallness + Lights = When i look up to tall men i just see the lights.
Let's hope it all goes well yes?
x

138/9

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:05:03 GMT

"Friends and family came and went; sometimes helping her with her tears, other times making her laugh. But even in her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seemed to be passing time till she waited for something else. She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live. But what was the point in living when there was no life in it. These questions went through her mind over and over again till she reached the point of not wanting to wake up from her dreams that felt so real.
Deep down, she knew it was normal to feel like this. She didn't particularly think she was losing her mind. She knew that people said that one day she would be happy again and that this feeling would just be a distant memory. It was getting to that feeling that was the hard part."
x

Why?

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 03:10:08 GMT

"...these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase.."

FUCK!!!
I just don't know what to do anymore.
x

Decisions decisions.

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 17:58:47 GMT

I just don't know what to do. Hmmm.
xxx

Stop Me.

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 16:32:36 GMT

"Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've
Heard this one before
Stop me, oh, I said stop me
Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

Nothing's changed
I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love

Set me free, why don't you babe?
Get out my life, why don't you babe?"

That's because i feel like a broken record - but not as kitsch haha.
So i have a whole week to do what i want, when i want. I'm going to use my time to catch up on sleep and reflect on life i think. It seems like a good plan.
I've been thinking today and i cant seem to find a point to my life...not in an emo-im-going-to-kill-myself way...in a way where i'm not working to an aim or goal in life. Most people i know have some idea of the direction they want to go in but i'm not decided yet and it feels a little weird not knowing what i'm living for/towards.
*shrug* everything seems weird nowadays.
x